How Do I Know If I Am Experiencing Narcissistic Abuse?

Am I Going Crazy? Am I Being Manipulated? Why Do I Feel Confused in My Relationship?

Confusion is one of the first things that set off my alarm meter as a therapist. While all relationships take some amount of work , most healthy relationships don’t include a regular sense of confusion. Healthy relationships may have a moment or two of confusion but this tends to be few and far between. 

If you’ve made it to this service page, I want you to first take a deep breath because getting clarity in situations like these can be quite emotional. Clarity and acceptance can be painful but are often the start of healing. Even if you determine your partner is NOT exhibiting narcissistic traits, there is a chance for improvement! 

So many people will stay in relationships with unhealthy people for longer than needed. This can be from avoiding the pain of a breakup, having hope it will naturally change, being unsure of their identity outside of the life that was built with this person, or more complicated matters like threats from a partner. 

Please know that relationships are complicated and that includes deciding to leave or deciding to stay. You have the right to decide as an adult and no one should make you feel shamed or forced to make changes until you are ready. 

If you’ve asked yourself some of the following questions related to the relationship, it may indicate a possibility for an abusive relationship. 

Why wont my partner ever accept responsibility

Why does my partner act different when we are alone

Why does it feel like my partner doesn’t like me 

Why doesn’t my partner apologize 

Do all relationships take this much work 

Is my relationship supposed to feel this hard

Why is my partner so critical of me all the time

How can I avoid fights with my partner 

Does my partner love me

Why is my partner often annoyed with me 

How can I prevent bad moods in my partner 

Why does my partner act as if I don’t exist 

Why can’t my partner handle conflict

Why does my partner explode

Why does my partner act different around other people 

 This list is used to provide examples of what it can sound like to be in a relationship with an unhealthy person. This list and this page are not intended to be diagnostic tools or as a replacement for professional services.

The Cycle of Abuse Lovebombing, Deevaluing, Discarding, Hoovering

The cycle of abuse consists of a few stages - love bombing, devaluing, discarding, and hoovering. Given this is a CYCLE of abuse, it repeats from the beginning. Each phase can change in length of time but are almost always in the same order.

Narcissism, love bombing, gaslighting, and other language related to mental health have become highly used words on social media. The more you learn and equip yourself to understand narcissism/abuse, the stronger the invalidation from abuser is. If people want to discredit and invalidate you, they will do this regardless of how well read you are! Narcissists will want to discourage you from learning and healing to better be able to control you.

If you present information to them, you may find you are “still wrong” and “dont know what those words actually mean”. This naturally may lower your confidence, which is why I sometimes encourage clients to be slow to provide the “evidence” to the narcissists in their life until they feel fully prepared to address this concern.

Love bombing 

Love bombing is the starting phase of the cycle and is a crucial reason why people stay in the relationship for longer than they intend to. Love bombing is a series of intense affection. Love bombing can include things such as excessive or expensive gifts, spending excessive amount of times together or vacations early in the relationship. It can also be verbal such as intense declarations of love or compliments.

Love bombing often occurs during inappropriate times like after a conflict that hasn’t been resolved fully or after meeting someone new. This phase can last for the first few months of meeting/dating an individual. Love bombing for healthy individuals can feel inappropriate and unsettling and somewhat flattering. However, for individuals who are not used to feeling loved, this can feel like love - which is something a narcissistic personality style will begin to abuse. 

Devaluing 

Devaluing is a phase of cycle  of abuse in which an abuser will lower someone’s self worth and sense of self. This is often subtle and gradual. It can be so subtle at first that an individual will dismiss it. This works as most individuals would likely walk away from a person who is clearly verbally abusive.

The early insults or “jabs” may be disguised as jokes or backhanded compliments. If you do choose to address it, it is rare for the narcissist to apologize and recognize your emotions as valid. However, as the relationship grows and you continue to become emotionally attached to this person it can become more frequent and intense. Given the slow onset, it is common for someone being abused to wonder how they “got to this point in the first place”.

Devaluing can extend to commentary and shame related to friends, pets, family, workplace, ability to complete chores, and all aspects of life. The abused individual may begin to hide aspects of themselves to protect and prevent from the criticism but the narcissist will find a way to continue to devalue. In this phase, other tactics can be found such as gaslighting, conditioning, ect. 

Discarding 

The discarding phase of abuse occurs when an abuser uses distance as a punishment, often to increase or regain a sense of control. This approach takes advantage of the emotional attachment to them.This can include stonewalling, breaking up, or even mentioning thoughts of needing to break up.  Discarding can be as extreme as insisting on one individual even moving out if you are cohabitating. 

Discarding an individual leaves the abused individual in a space of psychological distress, making them particularly emotionally vulnerable to manipulation. This phase can include a presentation which may look like emotional distancing or ignoring you. You may notice feeling like a ghost in your own relationship and start to feel unimportant due to the lack of attention you recieve from this person.

At times this forms feels most obvious when watching the narcissists interactions with others in public or social settings. You can watch them choose to turn on the charm for others but when you are alone get none of the same. This can feel especially confusing for someone being abused because it gives hope and a small sense of being able to connect to the version of the person they originally met - but it is fleeting.  As this is a cycle of abuse recurrs, a sense of shame and embarrassment can erupt in the abused person due to feeling like they need to explain away the abuse of their partner to other loved ones. This sense of shame can result in isolation which continues to make them more vulnerable to the abuser. 

Hoovering

Hoovering is a phase of the abuse cycle which occurs directly after discarding. Attempting to reconnect with the abused individual is the hallmark of this phase. This can occur long after a relationship has ended - including after a divorce. A narcissist will happily return to an old relationship in an attempt to continue to serve themselves. Hoovering may even include a preformance of change, healing, or attending therapy. Please know if an individual is attending therapy for behaviors related to abuse, change occurs over a long span of time. Often, hoovering through reports of going to therapy often lead to the person leaving therapy shortly after returning to the relationship. 

Hoovering can include extreme attempts to gain contact again. These attempts often play off of emotions much like the other tactics do. They can use medical conditions, family health issues, mental health, and others excuses as a way to reach out to you for your attention. As we mentioned earlier, narcissists tend to choose emotionally sensitive individuals as emotional manipulation is the root of their control. Naturally they will use anything to find their way back to you. 

Much simpler forms can occur as well especially if there has been less time from the discard - such as sending a text, a DM, or “randomly” seeing you at a place you frequently go to.  This can be more difficult to ignore at times as people often will wonder “what the harm is” of simply responding politely. Please exercise caution and intention with decisions around letting an emotionally unsafe person into your life. 

Hoovering can overlap with love bombing. Using flowes, gifts, long heartfelt apologies, and other tendencies. This is something an abused individual will dream of hearing and experiencing understandably. Please take note this is where the cycle of abuse restarts from the begining. With an abusing individual, the devaluing phase will occur sooner and sooner each time. Significant intervention is needed for change to occur. It is extremely rare for an abuser and an abused individual to be able to have long term healing without seeking professional support. Even with professional support, it can be challenging. 

Is Abuse Intentional & Calculated or Impulsive?

What if my partner doesn’t know they are abusive? Many partners are not aware of the cycle of abuse however this doesn't make it any more or less acceptable. Many of my therapy clients have struggled to accept that abuse does not always have to be calculated, intentional, or premeditated. Yes, sometimes individuals can be this thorough with manipulation. More often abusers are operating from a place of repeating a learned behavior. In both cases, there was likely a history of normalizing transactional relationships - meaning they view relationships as a way to gain for themselves instead of finding value in connecting with others for the sake of connection alone.

What If the Narcissist has faced Trauma?

Whether the abuser is calculated or operating from impulsivity alone, there is a strong chance this behavior may have been witnessed throughout their life by others close to them.  Unfortunately, the disheartening stories of their upbringing are sometimes used to play on the emotions of highly sensitive individuals around them. These stories naturally create a softness around unacceptable behavior. 

Given these stories, people are more patient with them which would be amazing IF this grace would be reciprocated in the relationship. Part of the issue is that the narcissist will hold you to a very different standard than they hold for themselves. You may provide context into a mistake you made based on your own story but the empathy is limited. Narcissists are likely to seek out relationships with individuals who will be more forgiving for this very reason - to take advantage of your empathy, attention, and love. 

I believe that we can have compassion for peoples’ trauma AND not allow them to harm us/others. The power of the word AND can help empathic individuals start to cope with the difficulty of holding others accountable for their actions. I want to remind you that if you suspect you are in a relationship with a narcissist - you likely have trauma in your past. Most individuals who experience traumatic childhoods would never want to harm others. Most who have experienced trauma would want to prevent others from experiencing hurt.  

What Can I Do Now? How Do I Handle This?

Safety & Support

Safety should be considered first when discussing relationships that are unhealthy. Based on the level of risk, it may shift what route you want to take. If you are in a relationship where domestic violence and physical threats are present, I want you to consider exploring an exit plan and safety plan with a crisis resource. Given the amount of risk presented in this situation, I reccommend seeking out a higher level of support which can be done in secret ideally so the abuser is not aware. I will link information related to the domenstic violence center. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Domestic Violence Website Link Click Here .

If you are not in a relationship where your physical safety is being threated, but you suspect narcissistic abuse (emotional abuse) you can also utilize the resources presented to learn more. I also reccommend seeking out professional support and credible resources related to emotional abuse. Some resources I use with clients are recommended below.

If you are looking for professional support from a therapist who understands narcissistc abuse, my name is Carley Trillow. I live in Cleveland, but I support clients across Ohio in healing from an array of traumatic experiences. Recently, I added a clinician to my team to help the mass amounts of people who are in need of healing. I offer virtual appointments and would love to get you scheduled! Typically, I advertise as a therapist for people pleasers. However, people pleasers tend to attract narcissists into their lives which has resulted in a large increase in addressing healing trauma related to narcissistic abuse.

Click to book an appointment & learn more about Carley

Resources

Is It Supposed To Be This Hard? By Mary Pat Haffey

Narcissism Expert : Dr Ramani (Youtube/Podcast)

Mental Health Match . com for therapists in your state