Setting Boundaries
Although I am a licensed Master’s level social worker, this post and all other posts are not meant to be utilized as professional services. You are unique and although posts are helpful for guidance and suggestions, they are not intended as a substitution for traditional services. If you need a professional, do find one!
Are you a people pleaser? A pushover? An enabler?
Believe me, I have been there. To the point where I wasn’t elected president of my sorority because I was “too nice”. Let’s be honest with each other here, I probably still lean more towards the lenient but I’ve gotten better over time. I’m still human.
I remember living just to make other people happy. Which is great until it starts to take away from your own quality of life or what you want to do. It starts to interfere with your own intuition. For me, it got to the point of worrying about slightly inconveniencing people with the smallest decisions. Turns out, my “politeness” got to be more irritating than thoughtful.
Maybe you can relate to crumbling under the weight of other people’s needs.
Once I learned to set boundaries, I’ve been able to help others way more. It’s cliché but that whole scenario where you have to put on your own oxygen mask before putting on somebody else’s is probably the truest statement, like ever.
So now that I put mine on, I want to help you put yours on. Ironic right? Through learning to say no and set boundaries with people in your life, you can start to say yes to what energizes you.
If you could use a little bit of support implementing boundaries in your own life, just keep reading. I have a really great step-by-step guy that can help you move towards healthier relationships in your next conversation (without feeling like a total jerk).
What are Boundaries?
So what are boundaries? Boundaries are the space in which we provide between ourselves and another person. Essentially, boundaries are guidelines we share with others that teach them appropriate ways to interact with us. Yes, it is our responsibility to teach others how to treat us.
We usually have different boundaries depending on the nature of the relationship. For example, you likely interact differently with friends than family or romantic interests. Whatever the boundary, it is natural as long as you decide it.
Various types of boundaries exist. For example, emotional, physical, sexual, time, and material.
I’ll run through those briefly. Fortunately, the same template is helpful for any type! Emotional boundaries fulfill your emotional needs. Physical boundaries include your preference for physical distance between you and another person. Sexual boundaries establish a comfort level for sexual interactions. Time is Implemented when others need to respect your time limitations. Material boundaries limit the use of your material possessions.
Setting Boundaries without Fear
Are you as freaked out by the thought of setting boundaries with someone as I was? Most people are. It feels unnatural. But just like you learned to walk, with practice it becomes second nature.
Chances are the person you’re setting boundaries with, isn’t going to be a fan. You are, after all, changing expectations. Change is hard for people. So be patient and compassionate. Let them sit with the boundary if they need to.
Take a minute to consider the story you’re telling yourself. Are you freaking yourself from fear of the other person walking away? Disappointment? The relationship ending? Getting fired? Feeling uncomfortable?
It’s time to get honest with yourself. Once you disclose your fear, analyze whether this is based on emotion or logic. Is the narrative realistic or unrealistic? Ask yourself, do the risks outweigh the benefits?
Only you know the answer. Understand that if the person isn’t open to your needs, then you are better off without them anyway.
Communicating Boundaries in Recovery
Another way to relieve some of the fears around setting boundaries with somebody is through finding the language. Findings your voice, practicing your language, and speaking concisely can bring much-needed confidence.
My clients have found the template/script below is effective in understanding themselves first in order to communicate second.
The script is as follows: “I feel (emotion word) when (word to describe the behavior that needs to change). What I need from you is (behavior you desire instead). If this doesn’t change, then (realistic consequence).
Now, the reason this works so well is that you’re making it about your experience. Oftentimes, we use blaming language. MakIng it sound like an argument even if that’s not your goal. This may look like that “You never talk to me anymore” or “If you would stop spending so much money, then we could actually afford it” or “You always get mad when I try to tell you about this”.
So instead of starting with “You know what, all you ever do is complain”, you’re going to start with your experience. Because it’s your subjective truth. Try something along the lines of, “I feel nervous when you get upset about the house being messy when you walk in the door.”
Whenever you start by talking about your experience, the likeliness of defensive reactions lessens.
With this, a feeling word is needed and then an “I“ statement. Like “I feel sad”, or, ”I feel hurt”, or ”I feel disappointed.“
Next, identify the behavior/action that you want to be adjusted. This should not be communicated in a way that questions the individual’s character. Be as specific as possible. Be sure you’ve identified the goal before initiating the conversation. Otherwise, it’s likely an impulsive complaint and not setting a boundary. A good example maybe, “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done even though you promised to help me while I am working overtime.”
Identify what you want the individual to do instead. This leads to both parties aware of the new expectation. For example, “What I need from you is to wash the dishes on Thursdays when I work late.”
And last but not least by any means. You have to choose a consequence.
The consequence doesn’t have to be intense or life-altering. It also doesn’t need to be a threat. But it does need to be something you are willing to follow through on.
Listen up. I am clapping at you as I say that. Because this is critical. If you choose something you’re not going to actually do then they’re not going to take you or your boundaries seriously. Your word will not mean anything.
Implement the consequence, be clear, be firm. It doesn’t need to be aggressive or demanding. For example, “If this continues, I’m going to have to spend our extra money on a maid service.” Or, “if this continues then I will collect extra rent from you for the extra work I’m doing around the place.”
It can be something a little more abstract, “If this continues then I know it’s going to continue to cause damage to our relationship and I really want it to be continuing to grow and not die.”
Putting all the pieces together, it might sound like this, “Hey, I know this might be uncomfortable but I just wanted to let you into what I’ve been going through lately. I feel really uncomfortable whenever we go out with friends and you disappear on me to talk to guys. I like going out to spend time together. I wanna be transparent with you. If this keeps happening, then I am not going to come out with you anymore. What are your thoughts?”
Although it may be uncomfortable at first, it will bring resolution to the problems you face in your relationships. If the other person values your needs, they will make changes. If not, actions speak louder than words.
