Hard Work of Relationships or Emotional Abuse/Neglect
Yellow umbrella in dark forest representing hope for healing when experiencing emotional abuse/neglect as a people pleaser
The Lie & Confusion
I know…. We’ve all heard it - “relationships aren’t easy, they take work.” It doesn’t take long for most people to realize that being in a relationship with other people is not always pleasant. Fights, differing opinions, and sharing spaces can result in a lot of obstacles to overcome. However - it should be really pleasant and enjoyable most of the time and I don’t throw “should” around very often at all.
In my work with clients, I’ve spent a lot of time helping others understand themselves as individuals. Yet - it is impossible to understand yourself as individuals without understanding oneself in relationship to others. Confusion is often a recurring feeling when my clients describe interactions in their relationships.
Given that I specialize in working with people pleasers, my clients often come in under the assumption that they aren’t up to par for their partner. They often feel guilty for not doing enough. They often anticipate the needs of their partner and do their best to avoid upsetting them. They often prefer to not rock the boat. Sometimes they fear asking for their needs to get met will overwhelm their partner. They worry it would become “forced” or a “chore” if they ask for something instead of letting the partner do what they naturally want - even if this means they go with their needs unmet.
Sometimes my clients will blame themselves only for their relationship concerns. They will feel bad for having needs in the first place or feel shame for “not being grateful enough” for what their partner does.
Owning your own side of a relationship is super noble. However - there comes to a point where it is healthy to expect a partner to do their own fair share of the emotional labor of self assessment. This can be scary to try if it is new for a range of reasons!
What is Emotional Abuse/Neglect?
Fairly often, my clients are unaware that their partners are showing signs of emotional neglect - and sometimes even emotional abuse. Neglect/abuse can be done intentionally or unintentionally. Whether or not someone does it consciously or not does not matter as the consequences are the same - someone gets hurt.
Calling something emotional abuse/neglect sometimes takes people back. So I always remind my clients that placing a name on something doesn’t change anything about the situation. However - we don’t have to use heavier labels if they feel too scary. We can stick to things like “unhealthy” or “toxic” or “unwanted” when it’s appropriate.
Understanding the nuances of abuse/neglect can support you in protecting yourself. Feeling competent in identifying the signs can support you in advocating for change. Recognizing abusive behaviors in someone does not make a person immediately bad or evil. It means that they are responsible for healing and changing so they do not continue to hurt others.
Unconditional Love: Should I Have Expectations for My Partner
But don’t all relationships take work? Yes. And shouldn’t I have unconditional love for my partner, not expect them to change, and never give up? No.
Unfortunately, romantic relationships have been … romanticized. People paint with very broad strokes when saying these well intended things such as all relationships take work and never give up. These sayings can be applied to healthy and well adjusted people who are willing to foster a safe physical and emotional space for others. But this is not the case for partners who aren’t willing to change their abusive behaviors and learn new ways to address relationship problems.
As a therapist - it is never my role to judge a partner and I never have an agenda on the outcome of someone’s relationship. I do believe that the individuals who are in the relationship are the ones who know themselves best and can determine for themselves fully what they want and need. I know that every person has flaws and can be hurtful at times. My job is to support my clients goals and to ensure safety. My role is to provide education on healthy relationship dynamics and to be clear on whether or not someone is describing abuse/neglect.
Hard Work or Emotionally Unsafe Relationship
Is It Supposed To Be This Hard is a book I recommend to my clients (linked here) who come in and are unsure whether or not the nuances of their relationship meet the benchmark for abuse as emotional abuse is something that flies under the radar more frequently due to it being more covert at times. Physical abuse and verbal abuse can feel more clear to others due to having “stronger evidence” to point to as some of my clients would say. However recognizing emotional abuse requires a lot of awareness and insight into what healthy relationships and people are - which is a skill that needs to be learned.
Within this book, the author explores a few factors to look for including partners reactions, being ignored regularly, one sidedness, and manipulation. This is helpful to explore through the lens of frequency - is this a rare pattern or something that has become predictable in your partner? This book poses several insightful questions at the end of each chapter to help increase confidence in ruling out/ruling in abuse.
In healthy relationships one can expect there to be mutual reciprocity - neither partner is chronically putting in more effort than the other. Decisions are made based on equal contribution between each partner - no one makes big decisions alone. Healthy relationships feel safe to share concerns, needs, or complaints without fearing a scary reaction from a partner/retaliation from their partner. Healthy partners can validate others’ emotions even if they do not agree with you. Being consistent in love, attention, affection, and positive attitudes is another key category in healthy relationships. Emotionally safe relationships typically don’t have to wonder what “version” of their partner they will be getting. Being attentive and attuned to your partner is healthy - ignoring a partner intentionally is an unhealthy trait. Partners can take space when needed but it should not be utilized as a “punishment” and the partner should be expected to communicate their need for space out of respect for the others’ emotions. Healthy partners are able to apologize, accept responsibility for fault and mistakes without needing to blame others/denying/lying. Healthy partners are able to resolve conflict and would encourage a team approach to solving conflict in the relationship instead of ignoring it/shutting it down.
As a disclaimer - yes some of these unhealthy behaviors may be learned from their past experience with family/friends/partners. However, it is their responsibility to heal and find solutions to be able to show up into the relationship. These behaviors are not healthy or safe and once aware of the hurt they cause - should warrant an interest in changing. It is okay to encourage your partner to heal from their past in order to not be hurtful to you/others. If they show no desire to change/seek therapy/other approaches to getting help - this may be something to consider. Healthy partners will do anything to not hurt their loved ones. If you are confused by this or find yourself in a situation like this - it may be helpful for you to work with a professional as well. These situations are not easy to handle alone due to how much you care about this person.
Support Resources for Emotional Abuse/Neglect
If you believe that you could be experiencing emotional neglect or unhealthy dynamics in your relationship - you are not alone. Confusion is one of the most common experiences of someone who experiences abuse/neglect.
If you are in Ohio and want to work together - I would love to support you in getting your needs met, learning how to handle conflict, and overall support you in finding fulfilling connections with others.
If you believe you are in immediate danger, as always, reach out to emergency services and support immediately. The national line for domestic violence is 800-799-7233. You can also learn more about abuse here .
