Why Do I Keep Having the Same Relationship Problems? Answers from a Cleveland Therapist

Why We End up Repeating the Same Relationship Problems

Cleveland Ohio Therapist Weighs In

Repeating Relationship Problems

Sometimes clients and I get a sense of déjà vu during therapy sessions. Something comes up that we’ve dealt with before, and we realize that we’ve discovered a pattern. With people pleasers, it often sounds something like this: 

I always seem to end up managing my partner’s emotions.

No matter what, it seems like I become a caretaker in relationships.

I can never seem to tell partners what I want and need even if I am asked directly.

I feel like I lose my identity to the person I am with.

This kind of pattern can make clients frustrated with themselves. Why do I always end up here? they ask. 

Relationship Problems and Childhood

You may have noticed that you’ve been drawn to the same kinds of things and people since you were young. There’s a reason for that. 

One important way that psychology looks at human relationships and development is called attachment theory. It suggests that we learn to survive by seeking out what feels safe, comfortable, and familiar. Unfortunately, for many of us, being familiar with unhealthy dynamics often means that they feel comfortable and safe. Likewise, being unfamiliar with healthy patterns may make them feel dangerous or unsafe. 

For example, if your family was critical of you or your family members yelled a lot when you were younger, it may be really uncomfortable to be around someone who offers warm praise. 

How do parents/caregivers shape relationship problems?

Attachment theory also suggests our own behaviors are related to our families of origin. 

Our families teach us that we have roles to play. There are the obvious roles: parent, child, and sibling. And there are less obvious roles: emotional caretaker, invisible child, or golden child, to name a few. You probably weren’t told what your role was. It was likely just the most manageable way to fit into your family. 

It’s different for everyone. Some families discourage individuality. Others don’t recognize that individual family members have their own needs. Some families are headed by strict, overbearing parents. Other families seem to have no one in charge. Children learn their roles by reacting to these family dynamics. 

Romantic Relationships

This is where romantic relationships come in. For many people, potential partners seem appealing in part because they mirror behaviors that feel like home. In the same vein, some relationships may feel right because they allow you to play a role you recognize. 

Again, the issue is familiarity. You’re drawn to what you know, whether it is a specific behavior, role, or broader relationship dynamic. It is what made you feel safe when you were a child, and it makes sense that part of it still feels safe now. 

When behaviors feel safe, it’s understandable that we turn to them repeatedly. Sometimes they’re healthy, and returning to them is productive. Other times, behaviors are unhealthy, and returning to them can cause problems. It can be difficult to tell. I recommend this first step: 

If you’re concerned that you might be repeating behaviors in your relationships, these are some excellent questions to ask yourself: 

How did your family manage conflict when you were growing up?

How did your family express positive emotions, celebrate each other, or acknowledge accomplishments?

How comfortable did you feel about voicing your needs?

Did you feel seen, heard, and loved for who you were while growing up (rather than your actions or what you could provide)?

These same questions can be applied to your current relationship. There are likely to be both similarities and differences, but thinking about these things is a helpful first step. 

Will I always repeat unhealthy relationship patterns?

If you’ve identified some unhealthy behaviors, it’s natural to worry that you’re stuck with them. But you are not doomed to repeat unhealthy behavior patterns! The first step is hope. Unhealthy behaviors, big or small, can be replaced with healthy ones. 

In therapy, I regularly work with clients who recognize that their relationships are mirroring past family dynamics. It can be frustrating to notice patterns they would like to fix, but ultimately, they benefit from learning what healthy relationship dynamics look like. 

An important reminder: this isn’t your fault, and you didn’t ask for this. You aren’t making mistakes despite knowing better. You’re trying to keep yourself safe. It is frustrating that it is a problem for you to solve, but it is important to remember that you aren’t to blame for it happening in the first place. You’ve been doing your best, and you’ve been surviving. 

Healing Relationship Issues

As states, you likely aren’t solely responsible this happening but you are the most important part of changing things on your side. If you are ready to dive into healing and changing (and are in Ohio), I am ready to work with you. Fill out a contact form here and I’ll reach out!