People Pleaser Fears: Being Yourself Butterfly Metaphor from a Cleveland Therapist

Symptoms of People Pleasing

Hidden Rules of People Pleasers

Have you ever felt like you needed to be “in a good mood” or be a specific version of yourself in order to be around people? If so, this blog was made for you! Even though most of us have never been told what the rules are for people pleasing, we somehow all learned the same lessons. People pleasers tend to live by similar rules which mostly stem from a goal of “please and appease others”. In other words, do everything you can to butter someone up or at the very least avoid upsetting someone.

 

Causes of Anxiety for People Pleasers

The Rule of Be Who They Think You Are

One main way people pleasers avoid upsetting others is be who they think you are or who they want you to be. People pleasers learn early one to pick up on extremely subtle mood shifts – both positive and negative. As a people pleaser interacts with someone from the start, they get lots of messages how to keep this person “happy with you”. Positive responses from people will result in noting this is something likable. Negative responses will be logged as something to avoid repeating at all costs in the future. With all of these messages, it leaves very little room for the expression of self. Being authentic is nearly impossible with the “guidelines” of behavior from person to person. This can result in a “chameleon” affect for people pleasers where they show up as a different version of “themselves” based on who they are with.  

I should give a disclaimer that this is from a place of the people pleasers perception and may actually differ from the reality of the wants/desires of the person being assessed.

 

Learning To Not Care About Others Opinions

The Risk of Being Who “They Want” You To Be

It's not your job to stay the same. It's impossible to be the same for a full lifetime. So, let’s reword that - Its not your job to pretend to stay the same either! What's the risk in pretending to stay the same? Is there a risk at all? There is a risk, or at least a loss, for preventing others from seeing you authentically. Masking who you are blocks opportunities for healing

People pleasers feel an immense duty to show up consistently, the same way as they always have. People pleasers tend to feel a pressure to be who someone else expects them to be. Many of my people pleasing clients feel like they have to be in a good mood in order to be around their friend.

This is problematic because it goes against everything it means to be human! Humans are meant to grow and change. Your personality and preferences are naturally going to change. 

Masking who you really are is draining! It’s like trying to force yourself into a circular hole when you’ve changed from a circle to an oval. It’s like trying to remain a caterpillar when you are clearly now a butterfly. So imagine a butterfly wrapping up its wings around itself and painting itself green because it is worried if someone notices the change, they will be confused or disappointed.   

Over time putting on the caterpillar costume will feel like too much work. For many people, instead of choosing to show up as the butterfly and take the risk of being seen, they start to be alone as a butterfly or only be around people who always knew them as a butterfly. 

Healing People Pleasing: Start Overcoming Guilt & Shame 

Healing People Pleasing Through Vulnerability

It can be scary to be seen as a new version of yourself.  What if they only like one version of me? People who do not allow their loved ones to grow and change are not emotionally healthy. Sometimes, pleasing people has an added “benefit” of avoiding seeing others as they truly are too. This can keep people pleasers stuck in relationships with others that are damaging. 

For people pleasers, masking who you are blocks opportunities for healing. 

Organic healing happens naturally in healthy relationships. Meaning, having emotionally mature friendships and partnerships will usually result in healing people pleasing wounds. This will only occur if the people pleaser is willing to take small steps to be vulnerable. When those vulnerable moments go well, overtime they will feel safer and safer being themselves. 

If you fear showing others who you are, identify as a people pleaser, or worry the people in your life will respond negatively to you being different - I would love to book a free intro call with you!  I currently have a few open spots for Ohio clients.

LINK TO Schedule with Carley Trillow , People Pleasing Therapist