People Pleasers and Holiday Guilt

What makes holidays so stressful for people pleasers?

This time of year is sometimes called “the season of giving.” This can be a time for people pleasers to shine. After all, they are giving people by nature. But my clients tell me the season also brings extra guilt. You may find yourself thinking some of these things:

• I feel guilty that I may not be giving friends and family the best holiday experience possible.

• I feel guilty asking other people to meet my needs over the holiday season.

• I feel guilty about enjoying my holidays when less fortunate people may not be able to.

Let’s dive into some of the reasons this happens.

I feel guilty that I may not be giving friends and family the best holiday experience possible. Gift-giving can be a high pressure situation, as can cooking for family and entertaining loved ones at gatherings. Worrying about whether you’re doing & not doing for everyone is inevitable. You may have worries like this:

•  Are the gifts I’m giving good enough?

•  Am I doing everything to make sure everyone enjoys the holiday experience?

•  Am I making present opening as magical an experience as it could be?

•  Am I ensuring people get food, gifts, and attention that make them feel extra special?

I feel guilty asking other people to meet my needs over the holiday season. It may also feel like other people won’t be able to enjoy their holidays if they have to stop to meet your needs. You may be thinking things like this:

•  I worry that other people will feel burdened if I ask for specific gifts.

•  I feel guilty when others have to accommodate my special food needs since they are already doing so much.

•  I worry other people won’t enjoy themselves if they’re too busy thinking about my holiday experience.

•  I feel guilty when family and friends have to travel more or longer than I do to celebrate.

•  I feel guilty when other people spend money on presents for me.

I feel guilty about enjoying my holidays when less fortunate people may not be able to. This is also a time of year when gratitude is on everyone’s minds. When you think about everything you’re grateful for, you may also start thinking about people who don’t have everything that you do. It’s natural to have a place in your heart for people who are less fortunate. If you’re a people pleaser, you may be thinking things like this:

•  I feel guilty that other people don’t have the things that I do.

•  I feel guilty eating delicious food when some people are going hungry.

•  I feel guilty giving gifts when some people can’t afford basic things.

•  I feel guilty enjoying my holiday when other people may not be able to spend it with loved ones.

•  I feel guilty about having time off when other people may need to work on the holidays.

Why is it so hard for people pleasers to ignore this guilt?

Simple. There’s a ring of truth in all of it. No matter what, some people around you will not have a perfect holiday experience. Similarly, other people will sometimes have to do things for you when everyone gathers together. Lastly, there will always be less fortunate people. It makes a lot of sense that giving people care about things like this.

How can I handle holiday stress?

How people pleasers tend to handle holiday guilt

The difficulty for people pleasers is that they can overwhelm themselves when trying to overcome this guilt. It can feel like the easiest thing to do is to not have any needs of your own. After all, that makes one less person to worry about. It can feel like that’s the best way to ensure that the people around you have an ideal holiday experience.

Managing holiday guilt involves honoring your own needs

It makes sense that it feels like holiday guilt is best handled by having very few needs of your own. But is handling it that way making you happy? I believe people pleasers can find comfort during the giving season by honoring their needs. It isn’t easy, and it certainly does not come naturally. That said, it’s a healthy way to celebrate yourself, the holidays, and those around you. Here are some things you can tell yourself:

•  I matter to loved ones regardless of the gifts I give.

•  Denying myself good things doesn’t give them to less fortunate people.

•  I’m important to loved ones even if getting to a holiday gathering is more work for them.

•  I matter to friends and family whether or not I have dietary restrictions.

•  Getting to spend the holidays with me is gift enough.

In short, you matter just as much as everyone else. And the holidays are for you to enjoy, too.

Does this particular sort of guilt resonate with you? Let’s work together to make this a healthier

and happier holiday season.